A Room Full of Fog

I took five steps in the wrong direction and found myself on the pavement outside apartment 5D (Little did I know then that the life on the other side of that door would be my mind’s cage for a long long time). Once through the door, walking out would not erase or reverse the 5 steps I had already taken. Was there an escape? Would there ever be a way out?

The sky had blackened and all I could see were two white lights in the distance. They were too far away to shed any light on where I stood then. The doorway gently opened, eerily inviting me in.

Something in me whispered I was safe. Something in me also told me I wasn’t so sure about that.

I looked up from the pavement and grabbed the door, opening it to try to understand the situation a bit more. On the other side, was a room full of fog. I could barely make out the brown couches that resembled the oh so familiar grandma’s living room I loved as a kid. Piles of dishes covered the kitchen to the left. I know how to wash dishes. I’ll do that. In this unfamiliar place I captured a glimpse of an energy drink. That’s not good for you, i thought. Then the thought fleeted as I felt more and more at home. As I scrubbed someone else’s food, someone else’s spit, someone else’s carelessness off of these week old dirty dishes, I was summoned. “You don’t have to do that,” he said. “Come here.”

Trying not to leave too eagerly in efforts to withstand his demanding yet endearing tone & salvage my sense of independence, I finished just a few more, scrubbing off any insecurity I had and claiming worth through the good work I had accomplished in such a short time. Head held high, I left the sink and walked through the fog to give him a hug and soft kiss on the cheek. Welcome, welcome home… well to your home.

Suddenly I was a stranger. Maybe I’ll just give a hug. Maybe a kiss is too much. We aren’t married after all. Marriage? Why did that word come into my mind. Perhaps he is the one. Could I wash his dishes forever? Embarrassed, I quickly shut off my mind and gave him a look inviting him to the comfort of those grandma couches. The whisper returned, quieter this time,

You are safe, you are strong, everything will be fine.

———

That’s what we tell ourselves whenever we aren’t so sure about things, right? This is the start to a long story where everything became very far from fine!

I know I didn’t give you much yet, but don’t fret. It’ll come. This was a difficult time of my life where I became insecure in situations that never before crippled me. I was given just enough to keep me going, but robbed of so much more. Parts were taken from me that weren’t supposed to be taken. Lies were portrayed as truths.

This experience left me in need of healing.

I remember praying for healing, praying to be better. I received priesthood blessings to try to fix my hurt. I asked so many questions!

Asking these questions directly to God, helped me regain hope for humanity, myself, and my faith. All things I really really needed.

If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, seek professional help & guidance. I am not a licensed therapist nor do I recommend making choices for your situation based on my situation. The intent of this blog is to display a hope toward light and healing that existed for me and can exist for you and/or someone you love.

Thank you SO much for all your love & support!