Asking For a Friend
Q: Besides in therapy, what were ways you figured out how to heal?
– This question was submitted anonymously by someone like you! –
At first, I didn’t find ways to heal; I found ways to cope. Those two are very very different.
Healing is long lasting, permanent; it rebuilds, makes whole.
Coping is a montage of quick fixes, managing; it feels like you’re barely keeping your head above water. Before therapy, I found a few things that helped me get through the day, things that helped me feel less weighed down.
- I listened to music
- I played volleyball
- I read my scriptures
- I took long baths
- I tried to go outside, but did a lot of staying in.
- I watched tv.
- I did anything that helped me escape the present.
Again, this was coping, not healing.
I was in a position where I couldn’t help myself. The things I was trying that had worked for other grieving periods (losing loved ones, failed friendships, breakups, faith struggles, or endless fights) weren’t working here.
This validation jumpstarted my healing:
I recall one day being asked to go to view a seminar that was going on at my university. I had no clue what the subject matter would be or what expert would be speaking, but I liked the individual who asked me to join him, (now my husband, Logan) so I went. We took our seats and I stared up at the board. The words scribbled on the screen stated today’s seminar topic: victims of sexual assault and the healing that is accessible to all victims.
It was like I had a rat in my pants. I squirmed in my seat, fighting to not make a scene considering the friends who were with us didn’t have a clue about my experience. Heck! I hardly had a clue. At this point, all that was clear in my mind was that something had happened to me. I didn’t know by whom, when, or what. When I read those words though, I knew I was the topic of today’s discussion. Owning that realization, hearing validating truths that defined me as a surviving victim – that was very healing.
A healing moment where someone was by me:
When the expert began talking, my fists were clinched, I wondered if today this expert would say to me that I should have done something differently. I anticipated statements like, “You shouldn’t put yourself in situations that could potentially lead to assault” or “You need to own that you played a part here and he isn’t all to blame.” As the talk progressed, those anticipated statements were never even remotely implied. I remember Logan leaning over and saying, “We can go at any point.” He was the only person in my life that knew what I knew. Unlike me though, he never thought I was to blame. Knowing he was there for me, knowing he knew the truth, knowing I wasn’t alone in that moment – that was very healing.
These first two steps to healing were gifts from God. They were people in my life that loved me, and experiences where those people obliterated my lies with the real truth. Did I believe them right away? No. That took a lot of time and therapy, but hearing the truth was very refreshing.
This healing mindset is still invaluable to me:
Probably the most healing mindset that helped me through is something my dad reminded me of when I told him what had happened to me. He was really quiet at first, and let me do a lot of the talking. Then, he explained to me that no matter what level of guilt I feel, or what level of role my mind is telling me that I played in it, I can be forgiven and healed; God can help me through it.
He continued, “And whatever part this guy played in it, he will be held accountable for. It sucks this happened. But God is your way out here. As a bishop at church, I’ve seen God help people through this very thing a ton of times, fortunately and unfortunately. I have also seen parents that have made it worse for their kids, because all they do is focus on some bad decision that was made along the way. They are missing the mark there. They aren’t realizing that their kid needs them. Their kid, no matter what, can be taken care of by Christ and God wants that for them.” God wants that for me, I realized. – that realization was very healing.
All three of these experiences were healing because they helped me grasp the fact that something had happened to me, I wasn’t the problem, I wasn’t alone, and God would help me through.
My advice to friends that are seeking healing would be this:
Frequently seek people, experiences, conversations, and the God that reminds you that what you went through is real, you have people by you, and with God, you can be made whole and feel like yourself again. These people you can trust.
Set aside the people, experiences, conversations (especially within your own mind), and other gods that tell you lies and derail you from the healing you deserve.
To directly answer the submitted question, the truth is I didn’t figure out how to heal from my trauma until I started therapy – specialized therapy to be exact. I wish there was something else I knew that could be some easy way to heal at home without the help of a professional. But if I told you that, I’d be selling you a scam.
Every method I used to heal, I learned in therapy and couldn’t have done without a specialized therapist guiding me through. The seminar, Logan by me, and my dad reminding me of my heavenly dad’s power – those were the necessary healing steps that prepared me to go to therapy, to believe I needed it. I realized that if I didn’t go, my traumatic experience would only get worse with time. It would only get heavier and lead to unmanageable depression and/or anxiety.
I was done coping through everyday life. I was ready to be healed and start living again!
The last thing I will say is this: if you are struggling to feel God’s healing power, know that for me that was very normal. I had too much emotional things going on to be able to feel God, sometimes at all. That felt really lonely and terrifying.
Regardless, I decided I wasn’t going to make any life changing decisions about my faith, while I was in the thick of my struggles.
I decided I was going to keep trying to live my faith like I did before my trauma until I was in a better mindset to make such a decision.
There were days I wondered where God was or when the healing part was going to kick in. I wished at times that God would just heal me the way he healed the blind. I questioned my faith at times and can’t say it was easy to keep trying to connect to God when he felt so far away.
What I wish I knew then that I know now is that God was healing me in a way that would last. It wasn’t clay over my eyes that would change me and heal those deep wounds. That wouldn’t have worked. I needed to fight with everything in me to get better. I needed to take each part of my horrible experience and nurse the deep wounds back to full health. That kind of meticulous healing was what I needed in order to feel whole again. God knew that. God knows me.
Tonight, I stay up and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders when answering this. I ache for whoever sent this in, because the feeling of needing healing is one that’s hard to carry, and even harder to face. But healing is attainable, I promise.
Thank you for asking this question and healing with me. God wants healing for all of us, I’m sure of it.
I hope you have a good week, my friends!
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