Life isn’t always so beautiful. You look at it and we all know days are going to be good and others will kinda suck. But on those days where the day is just really awful, I find it tricky to open up and see the bright stars in the dark night. You’d think the way we react to light that our eyes would be drawn to any light left. But for some reason on really dark days, we yearn for light but feel it hard to look at.
For me, it’s because I fear light. Shining a light on the dark moments of life will make me face what is actually there. If I don’t turn on the light, then all I will see is darkness – either that or the light will show that darkness isn’t as heavy as I think – therefore I am crazy, weak, and left unvalidated. Maybe that’s the reason I struggle to look to the bright stars somedays.
Today I have been grieving. Mainly the pains and hurt that a few different close friends are experiencing, however, I am not entirely certain I am not using their struggles to avoid grieving my own stuff. What’s my stuff? Oh, wouldn’t you like to know! Ha! That’d require me to open up and be all vulnerable which is something this blog invites! Call me a hypocrite, because today I’m holding it in. My mind needs time to feel what’s going on before just letting it all out. Maybe I want to wallow in the dark just for a minute.
Today’s wallowing isn’t the worst it’s ever been. Yet it’s just black enough that my mind bargains back and forth – Is this even something I should be struggling with? Should I just get over it and pretend it isn’t hard? But it is hard! Is it as hard as what other people go through? Some people would kill to have this be their “tough day”. Just because my tough day might not be so bad, doesn’t mean it isn’t valid, right? … the banter goes on. But you get the point. I often digress to the thought that what I am feeling isn’t allowed and I should be stronger.
I know in my mind if I just accept that I am struggling then my body could process the darkness and then it’ll want to see the light again. But that is TERRIFYING!
Today, I think I am going to sit in the dark. I am going to do everything to soak in the sad and the mad and the hurt and the worry.
Tomorrow, I won’t just wait for bright stars… I’m going to turn on the lights. I’ll letcha know what I see.
P.S. – Today, a bright star that I didn’t ask to look at came into view. I hopped on Facebook and a memory from three years back read, “Know ye not that ye are in the hands of God?” I posted that during a time in my life where I knew better than I ever have that God existed and wouldn’t leave me alone in my darkest of times. That little glimmer of sunshine felt good on my cold, dark day, even if I sometimes struggle to admit it.
Hope you are feeling the day & seeing the lights that just don’t dim.
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