Trigger Warning: Please friends, DO NOT click the drop down “Reveal Hidden Story” if you are uncertain how your body will respond.
Reveal Hidden StoryI sat in his beat up truck, facing the driver’s seat where he sat. The rain hit the windows, each one hitting hard enough to be remembered. The lights in the sky had reduced to twinkles and the headlights of his truck created a stage. We hopped out of the truck, and slow-danced in the middle of the street to sweet, sweet music. Too soon we climbed back in, quite soaked, to the warmth of his truck. Did that just happen? Did we just dance in the rain, like they do in the movies?
I was slightly disappointed that we hadn’t danced like no one was watching to some crazy loud music, just proving we were the only two in the world. But my imagination usually expects too much, so I forced my inner self to be appreciative of his willingness to even dance in the rain.
He makes sacrifices for me, I told myself. He is a good dancer, I told myself. He is so kind and so so romantic, I told myself.
As I shifted my now wet hair off my face, his touch came fast. “Woah. Woah!” I jerked away. He stopped and said, “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. You are just so irresistible.” Huffing a laugh to hide my discomfort, I shifted, straightening myself toward the windshield. Irresistible? I smiled and glanced sideways, my mind telling my hands to get out, and my heart telling my hands to hold his as I relived our recent dance in the rain. Everything is fine.
He smiled, laughed, and enjoyed the evening.
My body played pretend
I aim to avoid going into intense detail for the sake of creating a healing space. However, this post contains enough detail about my experience, so please assess yourself and listen to your needs first.
My body played pretend for a long time, pretending everything was okay, pretending I was happy, pretending so well that I even believed I was in a healthy relationship.
My body became a manipulated object,
instead of a safe home for me to reside in.
I accepted his apologies, I tried to be merciful like Christ would be, I named his hurtful actions as simple mistakes we all make sometimes. I even gave his most grievous actions the benefit of the doubt. Within any romantic relationship, it’s natural to try not to focus on faults. But unbeknownst to me, I had gone too far.
There are two warning signs I wish I would’ve lent more attention to from the beginning:
- I trusted his things-are-great-behaviors, more than my things-are-not-great-feelings.
- When I would get away, and even sometimes when around him, something felt off. I couldn’t pinpoint what. I couldn’t explain it clearly. I just knew something wasn’t right. Often times, he acted like things were normal in the moments the “off feeling” was the most prominent.
- He justified his actions by implying I was the reason he had no control
- “I was just so irresistible” “How are you this beautiful”
I remember the pain from these moments and the utter confusion when he apologized, but then acted like he wasn’t in control. His repeated phrase, “you’re just so irresistible” tricked my brain into believing that somehow I was responsible for the lines he crossed.
- “I was just so irresistible” “How are you this beautiful”
Afterward, I just remember thinking over and over “I must’ve played a role in it somehow” or “I should’ve tried harder to be resistible.”
That last one is almost laughable, if it weren’t so real.
These uncertainties led to questions that weighed on my mind for some time.
–If it’s all my fault, how can I ever forgive myself? If it’s not my fault, why do I feel so horrible?
–How do I get answers to these questions? How do I access the God I can’t feel right now?
–Will I ever be okay again?
Wow!! It’s so awful how people like that can confuse us, how people groom others and make them believe it is their fault, it makes me so sad.
But I am super glad you’re sharing your story so others can understand to either help others or help themselves.
Thank you so much! This was not an easy one to write, so thank you for sharing your thoughts and love!
Very tough stuff, so glad you worked through it and are willing to put yourself out there for the sake of others. Love ya tons!
VERY Tough. Thanks for your support & love!