How Do You Know Whether Someone Is Toxic or Not?

Asking For a Friend

Q: How do you determine and know when someone may be toxic in your life?

– This question was submitted anonymously by someone like you! –

This is one of the hardest questions I have ever been asked. Thank you for asking it. For months now, I have been sitting with this question on the back of my mind, because there were so many days I wish I would have seen the toxic in my relationship sooner. I wish I would have noticed the manipulation, the reoccurring hurt, the empty promises.

Before I go any further, I have to say this. The word toxic has become overused in our world as of late. “Toxic people” seems to refer to any Carol that struggles to support another’s life decisions the way they wish she would. Toxic has become such a loose term that we throw around a bit too freely in my opinion. So first off, I need to clarify how I will be referring to toxic and how I think the person who sent in this question fully intended it to be addressed.

TOXIC: adj – extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful.”

Good ole Miriam Webster Dictionary

These are often too kind of words to describe the actions of assault or abuse. If you or someone you know is a victim of either of these, please seek professional guidance and help immediately. Don’t wait for a better time, because the time is now.

As for my guidance, I can only speak from personal experience.

In my toxic relationship, these seven things helped me identify a need to get out.

I felt unnaturally dependent on him for my safety.

My perpetrator manipulated me to believe he was my only safe place. I felt dependent on him in regards to my overall safety. The world was scarier outside of his arms than it ever had been. I felt like I had no one to lean on except for him. He made me feel isolated, guilty for not being with him more, yet annoyed I was with him all the time. In just 2 weeks time, I went from hanging out with others frequently to never seeing or doing anything with anyone besides him. In the moment, I couldn’t pin point that I felt unsafe or that I felt hostility toward my friends who had done nothing to me. In the moment it just felt like a heavy dependence on him that felt unnatural, especially considering the short time frame I had known him.

I acted and reacted differently than I normally did when I was around him.

With a man I had known for 3 weeks time, I was losing my temper entirely. He could make my blood boil! I found myself fighting with him in ways I didn’t fight with anyone. I lost independence and felt shy and timid when around him. I heavily sought his approval and had no clue why because I saw how he treated me. I was constantly confused by our interactions, and wondering how it escalated so quickly, so frequently. That was unhealthy.

I wanted to escape and avoid him but I didn’t know how to do that

I recall many times trying to decide how to get out of the relationship. I didn’t even know why he wanted to be in it because he was so rude. He was only a gentlemen when we were in public or right before he assaulted me. Other times he paid me hardly any attention, demanded I stay by his side and watch him do his homework, and then right when he could tell I was ready to walk, he would turn on his good side and convince me to stay. Then the cycle continued. He also was strong, and knew how to fight. I didn’t know how he would react, and so it seemed safer to stay.

I often felt taken advantage of or unfairly treated by him

With certain people I was his prized possession – his arm candy, really. He would talk highly of me to them, be affectionate to me around them, look me in the eye like he was the most caring companion. Then whenever we ran into women I was entirely ignored, and not portrayed or introduced as his girlfriend. He would proceed to obviously flirt with other women right in front of me. These patterns were entirely self-serving.

Whenever he wished to cross boundaries I had clearly set and he had promised to never cross again, he would state that I was just so irresistible. This kind of disrespect to my body, my boundaries, and my future were one of his greatest offenses.

Critical side-FACT: It is the sole responsibility of each individual to bridle passions and fully resist proceeding with intimate actions if their partner has not given consent.

His words did not match his actions.

Some days I wish I would have kept track of how many times he said something along the lines of, “I’m so so sorry. I will never do that to you again.” The empty promises were harmful. The lies were endless. He never had any intention to change his behaviors. If he did, he didn’t show it even once.

He would say one thing and do another. This was incredibly confusing. I had never met a person that was so obvious in their lies. The comfort level he had with lying made me think he must be telling the truth. He wouldn’t just lie straight to my face. Sadly, I was wrong about that.

I felt very pressured to meet his needs more so than others’ needs or my own needs.

Selfish people exist everywhere, but this kind of pressure to meet his needs was intense because it was attached to fear. I was afraid if I didn’t make him happy, he would get angry and hurt me verbally, sexually, or physically. I was afraid to stand up to him and therefore stand up for myself because I didn’t know what he would do. He never hit me, but he sexually assaulted me and verbally abused me. So I feared he didn’t have control over himself in other ways either. He was unpredictable that way. This fear made me feel very pressured to please him at all costs.

I had a gut feeling that something was not right.

In the moment some of these were really difficult for me to identify. They were even hard for me to see for about a year and a half after I got out of the relationship. There were times I even told myself I overreacted and considered getting back together with him.

So if you aren’t sure about these things but you have a gut feeling that you are in a bad relationship, I would suggest to take a long break. Find clarity through trained professionals and time away. Trusted friends and family can also be helpful. However, my perpetrator never treated me poorly in public. That was when he was on his best behavior. This made it harder for me to believe he was bad because the people I talked to about him had only good things to report. They didn’t know what he was doing behind closed doors.

I recognized enough to have an off-feeling though and it was trusting that off-feeling that saved me from having a longer abusive relationship. I know with everything in me that God guided me to safety and away from such a horrible situation.

Again, I want to emphasize that I am not a professional. This is a serious question and I will never pretend to be able to guide anyone the way a trained professional could. In the very same breath, I am more than happy to talk about my experience and very very grateful that you asked this question. Toxic people do exist and some are very very good at what they do.

The thing that brings me great peace is that God is perfect at what He does – God heals, cradles, builds up, guides, and strengthens.

I am slowly starting to believe the scriptures when they say, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:13

I hope you fight for the good relationships in your life and I beg God that every one of us will have the courage to walk away from toxic people and out of toxic relationships.

We deserve better.