How to Help Victims You Know & Victims You Don’t

Helping Victims You Know:

Show them that love is not limited nor conditional

Some of my greatest friends are those that stuck by me even when I wasn’t capable of being the best friend in return. I have one friend in particular who really went above and beyond. I remember when I first met her, she said “You and I are going to be friends.” Boy did I fight her on that one! I had just had some horrible man dictate my life, I wasn’t going to let another person control me! We would be friends if and only if I want to be friends with you, I thought.

A few weeks later we hung out and just talked. In that conversation she reminded me,

She wasn’t going anywhere.

Unintentionally, I found myself testing these boundaries, almost expecting her to break her promise. Why would she want to be my friend? I am crippled. I am awkward in social settings because my social anxiety (which is a post-abuse thing too, gosh dang it), I flake out frequently because I’m afraid to leave my apartment, I talk about me way to much and probably overshare.

Yet, invitations to activities continued. Resentment was never displayed for my self-proclaimed, horrible-friend qualities. When things got really tough, we colored together. Yes. Colored like kids. It’s now one of my favorite pass times! She brought me handwritten cards, reminding me of her care and my worth, she texted me frequently with no expectation of a reply.

She was a consistent friend.

She was one of the best things that has ever come into my life.

Listen to them more than once

The reality is, my body didn’t know the difference between reality and my flashbacks for a long long time. To the people I told, it was something that happened, but for me it was something that was still happening. It was pain that needed to be listened to more than one time. I realized it was a heavy load, heck I was carrying it! I also found some people couldn’t help me carry such a load for one reason or another. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, if you are one of those people.

However, if you can help, here are the things that helped me the most: listen to them when they say it’s been a hard day. Open up dialogue, asking them if they want to talk more. Validate their feelings. Be careful providing solutions to their pain; a lot of the pain doesn’t have a quick fix and many solutions are more overwhelming than helpful.

Remind them that it will get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

Most of all, remember that they are going through something really difficult. If you are trustworthy, and want to be someone they depend on, lend an ear, be their friend especially after they tell you their story.

Remind them often of their worth

I didn’t have self-worth issues until I realized I had self-worth issues. Within my abusive relationship, the confidence that had taken all my life to build, suddenly seemed to disappear horrifyingly fast. Ultimately, I had to build that back up myself. However, reminders always helped me know that I was still valued by others, even if I struggled to see what they saw.

Help them find the support they deserve

If you are a close friend who feels bad for being clueless to the pain your friend experienced, give yourself a break & just continue being a friend. From my experience I needed to tell my story in my time and in my own way. This is generally not something people dream about sharing with people, especially their closest friends.

The kindness and love I received from people were the very acts that taught my mind that something was off; what was happening in my abusive relationship was not normal.

Encourage them to seek professional help and love them regardless of their decision. Everyone’s journey to healing looks different and takes time.

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Helping victims you don’t know:

Have respect for other people & their journey by avoiding gossip statements such as:

• Why did they put themselves in that position/situation?
• The way she dresses probably impacted the way she was treated.
• This is why you have to live the gospel, otherwise this kind of thing happens.
• Well, I’m sure they could’ve made better decisions to begin with.
• What did she expect, staying out so late?

Replace those statements with supportive loving words such as:

• I’m sorry that happened to you.
• No one should ever be treated that way.
• I’m so sorry, thank you for trusting me with your story. I will do everything I can to respect it.
• I hope you know I don’t view you any differently. I’m here to talk whenever you need.
• Nothing excuses or justifies an abusive act.

Here are some links to other organizations (NSVRC & RAINN) that provide great ways to get involved or find help & support!