Are we comfortable with Therapy? That was the real question all my selves had to answer. No, I don’t have multiple personality disorder. I have parts of me, parts of me that went through things that make them seem like they have to be an entire person to be able to carry that one crummy experience. There are four parts.
Let me introduce you.
First, here is Mind. She runs heavily on logic. She has in her mind’s eye an idea of who I am “supposed” to be, and what I am “supposed” to do. Often the mind gets drowned out by other parts, especially the heart. She was hurt worst when the control she thought she had was taken away from her. She wasn’t able to protect herself, her choices didn’t feel like her own.
Then, there is Manager. She is a planner. She is constantly frustrated with some of the others, seeing that they ruin the plans. She likes control. She is often asked to do impossible tasks. She tires out quickly, and she hopes to be fired, or able to quit some day. She went into what seemed like a coma for a while. She doesn’t know what happened during that time, but other people didn’t run my life as well as she once did. She wonders if she will ever be able to regain her mastery in planning, scheduling, sorting, focusing, or managing,
Over here is Memory. She reminds me of my past. Memory is compulsive, doesn’t know when the appropriate time is to show my past to my mind, but it’s because she is hurting. Her and manager have tried to work together to sort through what happened to me, but they can’t figure it out. Her and Heart are close friends but aren’t always good for each other. All Memory wants is to function properly, but she can’t seem to find a way to. The things she is holding onto are painful. That’s all she knows. She has no clue what to do with herself. No one else seems to know either.
Then, there is Heart. She is the Beast. She is pumping at a faster than normal rate these days and has renamed herself the catalyst for fear and anxiety. She isn’t sure if there is anything else in there.
She can’t love, because of fear.
She can’t make friends, because of fear.
She can’t trust, because of fear.
She is alone, because of fear.
She is in horrible condition.
She needs tending to.
No one seems capable of holding her,
She fears.
The condition I was in then, obviously, wasn’t good. There is a lot more to know, but that’s a good start, I think.
Journal Entry
My State Going into Therapy
My mind (the logical one) nudged me toward the therapy front door. Go ahead, just try it! I promise the solution to all your problems is to – Oh! let me guess, go sit with that stranger, and pour out all your darkest moments, Memory interrupted, reminding me of all the people I’ve been betrayed by.
Are we comfortable? asked Manager.
No we are not comfortable! Everyone screamed.
With two steps backward, Mind stole my feet and planted them two steps forward while muttering, Oh come on! It’ll be so good for you. You just have to go more than once. The first time is always uncomfortable, but it’s supposed to grow on you.
Are we comfortable yet? begged the manager, our seat pockets landing on the soft cushion of the pale green couch. The pillows behind me weren’t as bothersome as I thought they would be. I nudged them away anyway
Sitting now, lights dimmed, unfamiliar face. Two exits. What if she attacks me? What if she harms me? What if she does worse things to me?
Memory! Shut Up! Everything will be fine. Mind and Memory couldn’t get on the same page.
Are we comfortable with therapy now? prodded the manager.
Memory and Heart kept bonding like two terrified little girls in the back of a van, while my mind tried to convince them to calm down, Don’t give up on it yet. You’re safe here! You have to give it time.
“Hi, I am Jenny. It’s nice to meet you Rikki. Would you like a water?”
She is a stranger, Memory blurted! “Oh no, I’m okay. Thank you.”
It was sealed. It would be okay. Mind muttered. “I think I’d actually like some water, if that’s okay.” Little did I know at the time that they had my favorite kind, Ice Mountain! As she handed me the bottle, it even had my favorite cap. I actually smiled.
For the next 20 minutes I tried to explain to her what had happened to bring me to this place. My voice shook, my shoulders tensed, my fingers fiddled, and my eyes stuck to the rug on the floor. Nothing about this was calm or comfortable. I wasn’t expecting it to be though. There was never a time before this where I said out loud that I think something is not right inside me. After what felt sort of like a shady confession, I took a sip of my water and tried to breathe. After hearing me out, Jenny said,
The pain you’re feeling is your pain. No matter how bad it is, it is there and it needs healing.”
In that moment, all four of me settled into the couch knowing we were comfortable enough.
In the first time in years, Heart didn’t feel so alone. Manager scheduled my next appointment. Memory logged this good experience while Mind took this moment in and held a tiny smirk.
I was nowhere close to healed by the end of this therapy session. Following it, there were days that were really tough and things that were really hard to face. There were also moments of peace – something that was really hard to come by.
I decided that those rare moments of peace made the hard parts worth it.
I had to push past days where I felt therapy was doing nothing. Honestly, some days, all I looked forward to was that freely offered flip-top cap Ice Mountain water bottle. But by the end, therapy changed my outlook on my trauma, my ability to live in the moment, and my way of approaching the future. That was everything.
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