May 17th – This Week I Hope I Never Forget!

This part is the uncomfortable part. The part where my mind fights my fingers with every letter typed. A recap of my week. I have wanted to share my life with you all, so that every post isn’t talking about what happened in my past; That way you get a little glimpse into the here and now.

Mah! I can’t recap. My brain. Ok. How about I just share some of my journal entry from Thursday. Hahaha. Yes. I am bargaining with myself. It’s what I do with pretty much every goal I ever make. Don’t judge me!

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Journal Entry – 5/13/21

I received a priesthood blessing from my husband tonight that reminded me of a few things I hope to never to forget.

I realized in this blessing and shortly afterward that fear is running my life, instead of faith. I am stressed out because I am afraid I won’t finish all my to-do list items in time. I am afraid I will forget something in the rush of the week. I am afraid that life’s turns will be too much for me to handle or I won’t like them very much. I am afraid that if I share the gospel, people will feel like I am pompous and preachy; therefore, missing the real message. I am fearful social situations will be awkward, unpleasant, and exhausting. I am afraid my husband and I won’t be on the same page. I am afraid I say the wrong thing, or don’t have the best ideas. I am afraid I don’t do enough. I am afraid people don’t like me, so they just give up on me rather than communicate. I am afraid I am not being a good enough mom to my baby. I am afraid I am throwing a wrench in other peoples plans, am too controlling, or overbearing and am therefore unwanted.

I AM AFRAID.

But quite honestly, tonight I realized that I need to let go of all that. I need to trust in God the way I used to (K, as I am reading over this part, I am seeing so many amazing Spirit Crumbs, ya know, when you have one spiritual experience and then that same message comes up over and over the next few days. We had the missionaries teach us a lesson this week and their whole message was on faith and trusting in God! SO COOL! Anyway, back to Thursday). I’m so excited to visit my parents this summer! Against all odds, they really practice being faithful. It’s not that they have no fear, that’s unrealistic; but they decide that they have power in fearful situations. That seems to scale fear down for them a bit or something, making everyone around feel like there’s not much to be afraid of. Oh, I love that about them!

What if I try to take fear out of each of the scenarios. Maybe I can replace each fear with a choice or goal.

Fear in social situations ->Focus attention outward, get to know something new about one person.
Fear of other people thinking or feeling a certain way –> Focus on what I can control, instead of what I can’t.
Fear of not being good enough –> be kind to myself & remind myself that perfectionism is not really helping me. Hmmm. Yeah! That feels good!

I literally feel more confident and upbeat just thinking about it. Hopefully this comes back when I wake up tomorrow! Ha!

I can’t believe how long it has been since I feel like I have acted this heavily in faith. God really knew my heart and spoke to parts of it I didn’t even know needed attention. That was so healing.

I am really grateful that God exists.

If you see contrasts between the way you feel about something or the experiences you’ve had with God, don’t worry! That’s very normal. One of my strongest beliefs about God is that the way he communicates with His children is very individualized. I hope you enjoy your own journey in finding how God interacts with you in all His demonstrated ways! Feel free to share how you saw God this week! That kind of thing always helps me get through mine.