Some of the contents of this post may be triggering. Please read at your own discretion and seek professional help if you so need.
I sat on the cold bed wondering if life’s goodness had met it’s end. Tears would have warmed me up a bit, the exercise of getting them out and all. But today I couldn’t cry. I just sat in a ball, staring at my bare feet wondering how they got me here. It’s been years and years since… you know. Yet, this bed is kept cold some nights because of my past. Straightforwardly speaking, the way I view and experience sex has been skewed, haunted, impacted, and altered because of my assaults. My therapist says this is common, but I still hate it. It’s something I never want to talk about.
I remember vividly the night an unwelcome guest turned my bed cold. I don’t want to talk about that either. In fact, I’m not going to. What I will say is that the way he treated me told me lies about sex. It was as if these lies were engraved on the load bearing wall of my soul’s house. They read, “You are not in control here,” “Sexual experiences happen to you, no matter your choice,” “Your biological response to sex will be followed with shame and embarrassment,” “You are just so irresistible, he said, so men can’t stop,” “A kiss means yes to everything after, whether or not you try to stop it,” “Sex is for the man.”
Some common thoughts I have had since my assaults because of these lies are this. “If I just get him there, then this can be over quick.” “I don’t have to get there.” “Let’s try to avoid trying x because I am not feeling it or it’s too similar to what he did and I’m scared it will trigger me.” This has caused some of my intimate experiences with my spouse to feel stolen from me. I have approached sex with a HUGE “Proceed with Caution” sign attached.
In all of this, I’ve been right about one thing. My husband loves me, cares for me, and treats me with the respect that the men who assaulted me never had. I know that is true logically, but for a long time, especially at the beginning of our marriage my body wrote a different story in efforts to protect itself and prevent past harm from occurring again.
My current sex life is great but not perfect, and there are some lies I still battle with. But because of all the work I did to heal from those awful experiences, I no longer have flashbacks. That is HUGE! I am really really grateful for that. I feel like for some time now, I have been able to be intimate with my spouse without being interrupted by terrifying thoughts of what those men did to me.
All that being said, there are days where I still feel upset and angry because I feel stripped of something really special that I hoped to only ever experience with my spouse. I get mad because the “proceed with caution” sign doesn’t really fit that well in our bed, nor does it scream sexy.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because this is a place where I tell you the realities of life after assault:
The first reality: My sexual assault has had a heavy impact on the way I experience and approach intimacy.
The second reality: Intimacy is meant to be a sacred, loving experience full of trust, mutual respect, honesty, and devotion.
That reality’s reality: There are days intimacy may not feel as it should because of those horrible past experiences. However, intimacy is not assault. They are not and never will be the same. Sexual assault is not a proper display of intimacy. Assault is selfish, disrespectful, and spits at the sight of purity.
Separating assault from intimacy was a good first step for my mind. It helped me realize the difference between the cold bed I once knew, and the safe, warm arms my hubby wraps me in.
You deserve to feel that warmth.
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