It’s now 2:30 AM, my baby boy is drifting back to sleep, and my mind is stuck on this nutrigrain bar. Yes. You read that right. A few moments ago, my 1 year old cried and cried in his crib – his way of telling us he needs something, right? He is now old enough where he has little tells.
If he is laying down when we go in their with his legs straight he is normally constipated or gassy. In these instances his tummy is really sensitive.
If he spits his binky out and smacks his lips, he is hungry. Either that, or if I hold him real close to me he will spit out his pacifier and want me to feed him.
If he isn’t feeling well enough to sleep, he has a fever.
So I get up out of bed a 1:48 AM wondering if he has an infection from that bottle of essential oils he got ahold of. Hearing a cough in between his cry, I raced to him! Well, if I’m being honest, I ran in my mind. My body didn’t get that entire message because of the whole 1:48 AM detail.
Laying on his back, legs straight. Hmmm. Must be constipated. I move his legs to squeeze his belly. He just rolls away somewhat perturbed like “get me out of bed mom!”, but fine. He isn’t feverish. He holds tight to his pacifier. I try to snuggle him; he holds onto his pacifier. At this point I am intrigued. I bring him into the blaring lights in the bathroom to see if I could get a better look. Maybe he can’t breathe very well, or maybe he has a rash (still believing he has been poisoned by closed-lidded essential oils vial that he sucked on for less that 10 seconds. Maybe he just want snuggles. My heart swelled at that idea as I leaned back with him to comfort my baby boy I saw this cuddle opportunity 100% as a privilege because he hardly cuddles anymore. He gives me a solid 7 seconds and then crawls off my lap. Psh. I am stumped.
I walk out to the living room and grab his water bottle. He doesn’t want that. I am not kidding you. My mama brain is like, WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Everything that I have learned will not help me here. I even handed him a nutrigrain bar and he held onto his pacifier. At this point, I thought well, he won’t want to give this up if he is really hungry. So I tried to take the bar, and immediately he tightened it. Upon opening, out falls a crumbly mess and I realized that wasn’t my brightest move. Ha!
He eats THE WHOLE BAR.
Toward the end he slows down. In between bites he would place his pacifier into his already full mouth and try to chew around as if there was room to be soothed and eat this amazing bar. My favorite part of this whole thing was his head nestling into me in between bites. This is one of my favorite tells. He is getting full, and going to be in bed soon.
Why am I telling you about my son’s run in with a nutrigrain bar?
Well, because for the first time in my son’s life, it seemed he was so tired that he couldn’t tell me what he needed. After I experienced my trauma, that was my entire existence.
I was too tired to know what I needed.
To give you a better idea of what I am really talking about, I’ll share a more recent and less intense experience. A few nights ago, I laid in bed wide-eyed, but exhausted – one of my tells that my anxiety is high. I asked my sweet husband if he would scratch my back to calm me down. He did so, immediately. Nothing changed. I asked him, can you sing to me too? His soft voice started soothing me, but he chose a song where the premise is very sad. So I asked him, please sing me a different song. He is like, “What, Why?” At this point, I chuckled sheepishly understanding the nitpicky nature of my request when I’m basically getting pampered from someone who probably wishes he were sleeping. I explain my reasonings and out of PURE love, he switches songs. First he sings a song I didn’t know. It was beautiful. Then, I realize I would like to be held. So I roll over to his side of the be – one of my safest places. The first song ended and he started into Be Still My Soul.
I sobbed, my whole body in rhythm with the cries.
The song held my soul while my husband held my body. For a second, I tried to sing along with him. For that one line, my entire being envisioned me singing out in agony to my Savior almost as if I was asking Him, where He had been. Where has this calm been hiding? Why hasn’t it been near?
It was that moment that my body told me clearer than day:
I need to build a sanctuary.
I wondered where I’d start and then, that answer came too.
I’ll start with what was included in tonight’s sanctuary. Here’s the running list:
- Positive, Safe Physical Touch – back scratches and cuddles from a non-abusive, loving husband
- Boundaries – Allowing my husband to know what I did and didn’t need
- Music – The kind that helps you feel something
- God – A conversation with the source of all comfort and peace
- Connection – Asking for help from someone who knows how to give it
I want to build sanctuaries with you. Yours may involve physical places, trusted friends, or favorite song lyrics, but maybe it doesn’t.
The sanctuaries we will build together are designed for the 2 AM-too-tired-to-know-what-I-need moments in life. These sanctuaries will be our nutrigrain bar – something we don’t know we need until we have it in our hands. Something, we will hold onto for dear life once we have it and not let anyone take it away. A space inside the mind, where each of us can recognize our other needs the way my son did. We also need to be soothed, and we also need to be held. I hope the sanctuaries we create will be the one thing that we need in order to rest from our worries and face another day.
Everyone deserves that! I beg God often to help my words to get to the people that need my message. Then I come on here and I feel weird asking you to help me in that endeavor because it sounds like an advertisement. It doesn’t have that motive behind it. I remember the aching never-ending pain of trauma. I remember not being able to feel peace. I couldn’t feel normal for so long that I wondered if I ever would. It’s those people that I hope to reach, the silent-sufferers if you will. If you know one of them, send them this way please.
I love this community we are building! Thanks for being here.
Ok. Time to sleep.
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