“I worry about returning home a lot. When I remove this badge, will devils take its spot?”
– Angst-y Missionary
For eighteen months I wore Christ’s name on a name badge that always sat over my heart. Yet when my church service mission was coming to an end, I had to go back to normal life where I was the manager of my so-called bright future. I remember talking with God and being assured it would all be okay because God would be with me always. At that moment I knew God. This next moment, not so much!
After returning home, I lost some of my faith-building habits. I feared failure, so I overworked my mind to compensate for everything I felt I lacked. When I fell short, I gave myself justifiable ridicule, felt bad for days, and beat myself up with thoughts like, “You know better, so you shouldn’t have made that mistake” or “I wonder if I actually was forgiven considering I just keep doing the same thing wrong” or “you are a minute late to scripture study, so you might as well not do it at all”. Why was I so hard on myself? It was as if I had taken on the mantle of God and determined hell was inevitable for every sinner like me. The worst part comes next:
I blamed God!
Why would he allow me to think so negatively? Why isn’t He sending anyone into my life to tell me I am not going to hell? If I need to relax, why do I get the message that I am failing every time I go to church, read scriptures, or try to get close to Him? Where was that God I once knew that kindly patted me on the back and told me I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing? Where was the God that told me everything was going to be alright? This does not feel “alright”!
Generally speaking, we can say that God is there for His children, but where was he during my moments of fret? Why did I feel so alone?
I’m ready to dig deep into this question! Wanna join me? I am excited to see what clarity comes 🙂
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