August 16 – 22
Here’s a bulleted list of all the things I was anxious about this week, I don’t have time to explain the entire weight of each of these. So, I’ll just throw them here. In reality, this stuff just about consumed me – especially all together.
- Archie’s sickness lingering and lingering. Will he be okay? Am I doing right by him as his mother?
- Isolation from friends because of Archie’s sickness
- Will I suffer from adverse effects from the covid-19 vaccine?
- Loving & Hating being a Full-time mom #momguilt
- Expectations I put on myself to be perfect at everything “home-maker”
- Telling my Primary Care Doctor about my anxiety for the first time
- Aunt Flo coming for a visit (sorry, TMI)
- The house being a mess (post-trip chaos)
At this point, I am freaking out. I need a friend to come over, place their hands on my shoulders, look me square in the eye, and say “Rik, it’s gonna be okay.” That didn’t happen.
To many of my friends’ credit, they didn’t know. We just got back from being gone all summer, and if they knew I have no doubt they would have been by my side in a second. But I was at this point where my only option felt like soldiering up… is it shouldering up? Either way, I had to be strong for my husband, and my son. That’s what I told myself.
Well, fast forward to today: Sunday. I’m laying in bed expecting to cuddle my sick baby for hours while Logan goes to church. Instead, Logan asks if I want to go for the first hour. Mind you, its ten til. Every part of me wanted to go! I hadn’t seen anyone besides my baby and husband for four days. I hadn’t seen sunlight for what felt like longer. I needed an hour to go recharge. Dressed in no time flat, I rushed to the church building, checking to make sure I was fully clothed on the way in. I thought I was. I sit down in the back on a plastic chair and waved to some good friends. As I sat there, I looked around and realized a few of my closest friends have moved away. There were a lot of unfamiliar faces. I sat there and felt like no one really knew me, and those that had once, I had lost touch with over the summer.
Then a brother from the congregation stood at the pulpit & started speaking on the topic of peace. He spoke of his amazing wife and how she created a home full of peace. To be honest, I shamefully admit, I was angry at that comment because I had been struggling so hard to find inner peace. There’s no way my home is full of peace, how could it be! I thought. I’m an anxious mess! The brother kept on going about peace while my mind revisited the anxious times of the week. Dr. I’ve been anxious a lot lately. I’m not sure it’s a healthy level of anxiety. Baby, are you alright? It’s okay baby, mama’s here. Sweetheart, I haven’t gotten dinner ready, Archer’s been crying, can you grab the garbage. The house is a mess. It’s funny that he is talking about being full of peace, when my life has been anything but that.
My attention then locked to the pulpit. I needed this brother’s words more than anything else, and quite honestly it felt like more than anyone else. Sadly, my anxious thoughts had distracted me from the majority of his comments. He closed reminding us of the Prince of Peace. My Savior. Oh I’ve missed Him.
Then guess who got up! HIS WIFE! The one I was lowkey upset with. She started talking and all that went away. She opened up about some of her struggles and how she even thought it was funny that her husband referred to her as the peacemaker during their trials, because she felt like a huge worrier. I wept with this woman. She talked of her fears, and how they have been calmed by our Maker, Jesus Christ. I sat there, completely overwhelmed.
Crucial side note: Have you ever cried with a mask on? It is actually very difficult to wipe your tears. It’s so hard to catch them in time. I sat there trying to reverently cry in the church pew there, then drip, drip. I either poked my eye or my mask would catch the tear before I could get to it. I tried to hold my fingers close enough to my face so I could stand a chance! But I tell you what, even with the distraction, I didn’t miss a word of her talk. Her testimony was hitting home. It would’ve taken a lot to make me miss that.
I walked away, knowing that church was somewhere I wanted to be. Church was a place I found peace today. I don’t have to be a perfect mom. My baby will be okay. God is with me in my trials, and I am not alone. What a great takeaway.
THEN, I got home, I found only half my buttons were clasped on my shirt. I guess I wasn’t fully dressed after all. Sorry for anyone that saw that! lol
Have a good week, friends.
I hope you find a little peace in Jesus this week. I know I sure needed it.
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