Being controlled by another person is… scary. Yeah. Scary. Let’s just leave it at that.
For a good amount of time I have been keeping my story a secret to many of you. It’s not fun to tell people the crap you have been through. People’s responses are unpredictable and often cause more pain. But over time, as I healed NOT telling you became more terrifying. Not telling you brought about this whole new level of fear that I just can’t push away anymore.
In my life I have felt & dealt with…
The repercussions from emotional abuse, manipulation, loss of control, paralyzing anxiety, betrayal, fear of abandonment, and loneliness.
Succinctly saying all that kind of makes you forget what it is I’ve been through already… right? Boy am I fighting the urge to delete everything right now! Please, help me & my scared-of-opening-up-self out and reread that slowly;
Please, give these struggles room to live.
Thank you! Sometimes I grab onto these past struggles the way loving arms hold onto someone as their body leaves this world – so tender. That’s only when I am intentionally trying to be kind to myself. Most times, I chuck my past aside as if there’s a dumpster that’ll catch its splat. Wouldn’t that be nice? Add a trash pickup service and we’d be in business!
Truth of the matter is, life is full of terrible terrible things. My terrible terrible ended though. I got better. I healed.
I learned that I am not powerless. I figured out how to access healing. I’m regaining faith and trust in God and so much more! I can finally feel happiness. Gosh though, I remember what it was like to not.
Not sharing this transformation to a better life would be absolutely horrifying. It’d be a shame really. So stick with me through this. It’s not going to be easy to share. Send in questions as they come, because they will come.
Here are some of my overall hopes for sharing my story:
- Create a space where people understand who I am and why I am here so they can better understand who they are and why they are here. It’s one I’m still figuring out, probably will be for a while.
- I’ve got to express how I began to see God as my healer, my strength – instead of the enemy.
- I want to make clear the dyer need to respect people’s ability to choose & shed light on the dangers of having that ability taken away.
- I want everyone to hear me when I say, I’ve been through something because that connects me to people that are worth spending time with.
- I want people to shed light on the roles, responsibilities, and rights within romantic or other relationships.
- I want people to learn from my naiveté, as well as my pain.
- I want self-care to be recognized and appreciated for what it really is.
- In the future I may want to become part of different communities that haven’t yet played a role in my initial healing process – Me Too Community, foundations that fight against abuse, and more. Currently, that’s not what I need though.
I remember trying to convince myself that I wasn’t alone, wishing somebody out there knew how to help me. I remember imagining myself bashing my head against a wall just wishing I could fix this unfix-able problem. I was trying so hard. I was exhausted all the time. When would it end?
Today, I am living a semi-normal life as a new mom, physically exhausted due to my baby boy’s sleep schedule, but emotionally awake and in control. Thanks be to God for that!
My biggest goal with sharing my story is to help at least one person realize that healing is possible for them. I won’t lie and say it was easy, or quick. It takes time. The only fast-track I was on throughout my healing process was the emotional roller coaster that never stopped running! When I say it never stopped running, I mean it
N E V V V V E R R R R STOPPED RUNNING!
I hope none of you know what that feels like.
I wish I were alone in all this.
I know I am not.
Mahhh! I want to keep writing! It’s time to go to bed. It’s 1:41 AM.
’til next time!
You’re amazing! Thank you for sharing your story with the world. We all need it!
Love you so much! Thanks Jenna!
Wow I love this in the way that you’ll for sure help people. I think people all share and are on different parts of their journeys and maybe their is a time even that people don’t realize things that are happening.
Amen, Jessica! Everyone’s journey is so different. I find it so important for people to learn where they are at with whatever pain they’ve experienced, in hopes that healing becomes their next conscious choice. Love you so much! Thanks for being here in my little online corner.